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| Yeah, I know, it’s a long entry, well shut up. Well, now, besides Dolly Parton,
there are a few things you should know about famous titles and their sinister
authors. That's right folks, no book is written purely to entertain the
audience. There is usually a crooked and evil meaning behind the book, that
forces the author's opinion on you. A Clockwork Orange and Heart of
Darkness are fairly easy novels to deduce this malice that the authors
throw at you, but what about more friendly authors, like Dr. Seuss or Theo
LeSieg, or Margaret Wise, or Eric Carle? Today, my friends, we delve into the
world of "Evil Children's Literature, part 1."
So, in this issue, let's start with the most famous of children's authors:
Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. This man decided that his own name
was too revealing, especially with the missing "e" in Theodore. As it
so happened, the government decided to remove the "e" from Geisel's
name after a ecstasy drug bust where Geisel was suspected, but never convicted.
After a few years forging ties in corporations, Geisel decided that the best
way to convince children to join him in his quest to replace English with a
more sinister form of "Seussian," which comes from the ancient Greek
root "Seusous," meaning "to drive a spike into the chest
of."
The infamous "Doctor," although he never officially earned a degree,
used his new language freely in his writing, even going so far as to instruct
his young, impressionable minds as to the inner facets of the language:
"My alphabet starts with this letter called yuzz. It's the letter I use to
spell yuzz-a-ma-tuzz. You'll be sort of surprised what there is to be found
once you go beyond 'Z' and start poking around!"
Geisel also encouraged children to rise into positions of power, where, when he
chose to tell them to, they could more easily take over: “You won't lag behind,
because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take
the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you
will top all the rest.” It is this feeling of dictatorship that the good
“Doctor” wanted to instill in younglings. With their young minds ingrained with
urges for power, Geisel merely had to wait for the generation and his own
success that came with it. In his The
Butter Battle Book, Geisel showed children the connection between power and
weaponry, and in Yertle the Turtle,
he further expanded to show them how revolution could raise one to power,
instilling them with confidence as well from Oh, the Places You’ll Go: “Will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed!
Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.” In the unedited version,
the last line went: “But one-hundred percent if you follow my lead,” but his
publishers did not want to expose the plan too blatantly too soon.”
It’s true, the man known kindly as “Dr. Seuss,” the
children’s author, plagued our world with threats such as Seussian, nonsense
and rhetoric, and a fear of the upcoming generation. When doubts arose about
his suspicious methods and whether the children should be allowed to practice
his language and revolutionary tactics, Seuss replied: “If you never did, you
should. These things are fun, these things are good.” His comparison of the
Grinch to the president of the U.S., Dwight Eisenhower in 1957 when How the Grinch Stole Christmas, urged that
evil should be overthrown, and his The
Sneetches demonstrated how others can be changed so all people are alike,
casting a disturbing similarity between his dream and Adolf Hitler’s Aryan
race.
To end this issue, we’ll discuss the second author
mentioned, Theo LeSieg, a witty author known for his books similar to Seuss. In
reality, however, after Geisel was suspected of treason and watched carefully,
LeSieg was merely a pseudonym for him, so he could continue to distribute his
mind-bending stories. More on evil next time, in issue #2 of “Evil Children's
Literature”
Thanks for reading,
Andy
Jokes!! (some good, some “bad”)
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen!
What do you call her if she’s Chinese?
Irene!
What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
To find some tight seals!
Why is euchre like sex?
You don’t need a partner if you have a good enough hand!
And finally:
What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine! See you next time, kids!
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| So, my brother finally graduated last Saturday. Friday night to the instant when my mom heard my brother's name called for his diploma, she was flipping out, convinced he didn't graduate because he still needed an 11% in Spanish. I'm pretty sure that just one monkey with just one typewriter could get an 11% in Spanish. Anywho, he's an english major now, so he's no better off than before. He's working at Philmont Scout Reservation over the summer, along with another of my friends, and Whitson's going down there in fall; I'm so jealous.
So, with me: I'm just relaxing at home now, with packing, playing video games, watching TV, playing video games, tweaking our family's computer (did they not update it for 6 months??!!!), playing video games, spielen mit meine Katzen, playing video games, reading books, playing video games, creating beautiful music on piano and occasionally very bad music, playing video...alright, that's enough.
So, do you think you could genetically engineer a cactus, a poisonous snake, and a tumbleweed together so you could have a desert creature that flew with dizzying speed, stabbed random people and poisoned them to death. Throw in a porcupine, and it's not got projectiles! Get to it, biomedical engineers, I'll work on Slave I and TIE Defenders. Kurt's probably got IG-88 down, and Buddy will handle the Death Star. It'll be a complete Empire, even though IG-88 and Slave I don't fit in that mix. Wow, I'm a nerd.
Now, not to disappoint everyone, here's some oldies but goodies, stolen from my old computer after a frustrating clash with my flash drive and Windows 98:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
What did the elephant say when he say a naked man?
"That's cute, but can you pick up peanuts?"
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the other....
What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?
Mobius Dick!
And that's about enough, since mathematical puns are the first sine of madness!
Until next time,
Opie
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| Okay, well as most of you know, I've been sort of confus-ed about what I'm doing this summer and this fall, winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, 2086, armageddon, all saints day, anti-valentine's day, day of reckoning, spring, fall, etc. Anywho, I had an interview with Quartus Engineering (hereafter referred to as just Quartus), an aerospace finite element analysis/design (if you don't know, you can ask, but it's about what it sounds) company in San Diego, CA (California, for those of you that like at least three parentheses sets in a sentence). Well, after the interview, in which they didn't really ask me any questions about me or life or spades or anything at all, they (Brent Erickson, the VP of somethingorother) said that they (again, that guy) would have the HR person (some other VP of somethingorwhatnot) write up an official (that means it's not a scam) offer letter (which has nothing to do with an offeratory) and send (probably by email, although possibly by teleportation) it to (parentheses) me. In short (which most of you are probably thankful for), I have a job in Sandy A Goat during the fall and winter quarters! Sweet, you may think? Well, you're right. Unfortunately, it means I'm going to have to miss marching band, pep band, and a certain inducting process which occurs when the earth's axis is tilted to give the U.S. less sun (hereafter referred to as "Winter"). In other gnus, like the B, Samir didn't win, but the wrestler guy was cool.
Aisle be in Hudson from this Wednesday to next Friday, so if anyone who's there wants to give me a ring on the telly, feel free. We can buzz up some houses and skin the zebra pants off the unfortunate eighters until they viddy stars (If you have to ask, don't, because I don't know either, it just sort of rambled on until it made no sense, and I just kept going for reasons that are probably beyond my control, but not necessarily, because I could have stopped at any point that I).
Well, that's about it, enjoy the jokes, and I'll see you all when I see you all.
Jokes:
An
engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a
herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount
of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the
herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the
herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
And for Kurt, who I don't even think reads my blog:
A computer science major was missing from his co-op job for a week, so finally his manager called the cops to go investigate. He had been washing his hair and ended up drowning in the shower. Apparently, the shampoo bottle said:
1. Wet hair
2. Apply shampoo
3. Lather
4. Rinse
5. Repeat
Until next time, th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th
-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th
-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th
-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th
-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!
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| Well, you can pretty much read the title for the introduction. It's been about....uh...a long time since I did an entry, but it's 12:53 at night, I should be doing physics, graphics, mechanics, and diffEQ, so I decided to make an entry. The topic of tonight's discussion: Dogs vs. Cats.
I was sitting in my room realizing that I miss my cats. In Hudson, I have two awesome cats: Snickers, a calico, and Wanda, a gray long-haired furball (I believe that is actually the scientific name for the breed, from the latin term furballizzle). Cats are better than dogs, in my opinion, because they are smarter, easier to take care of, more like humans, and can be left alone for a weekend without anyone being there. So, what is the future for cats, you ask. Let me tell you about the famous Cats Domino.
Cats Domino was a famous feline rock 'n' roll artist, who eventually became king of the cats in 1978. His first act was to ensure that all cats could sleep wherever they wanted. Have you ever tried to pick up a sleeping cat? It's like making a jello castle. That wold pretty cool. Except for Jarrell because he is afraid of being buried alive in jello. Although he likes peanut butter, so I wonder how he would feel about being put in the middle of a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was never big on the whole peanut butter and jelly theme. I was more a fluffernutter kind of guy, which explains my attention span. Actually though, at the time, i was just experimenting with sandwich ingredients and put peanut butter and marshmallow creme together and decided it was good. That's right folks: I invented the fluffernutter. Take that, Al Gore. I hope manbearpig eats you alive. I'm thereal, guys. Anywho, back to cats. They're pretty fluffly, like fluffernutters, which are actually sandwiches. Hey, why don't they make powdered sandwiches? You could add water and "poof," a sandwich. It'd be like Robin Williams, but with some from column A and column B, instead of only one! Sweet(no pun intended)!
Actually, looking at this entry, it turned out to be just another random ramble of ridiculous ramblings of a random ridiculous rambling......uh.....me. I'm not sure if that entirely works, but what the hay, let's do it. I don't know what "it" is, but go ahead. Just be sure to wash your hands, whatever you do. Until next time, don't let the bed chucknorrisbugs bite.
-Andrew Aluwischus Cornelius Benet Bartholomu Patrick Swezy McKenna Henry Billy Bob Joe Meeschkall Kimbery (and yes, I can repeat that)
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| What time is it? Oh shit, January 16th? I haven't done a blog is about seven hailstorms of hellfire. Well, it's about time for another hailstorm. For those of you that were disappointed with the lack of coherency with the last post about HFS, you need to swallow your pride and admit that the world is a fountain. A fountain of love, yeah! Anywho...here we go.
There something about pressure that makes me burst. It's not the stress that I actually have a problem with, it's simply the fact that stress gives me goosebumps. As you lie awake at night, thinking about the galactic consequences of Anakin's decision, suddenly you realize that the physics lab that you have been dreading doing for weeks is due tomorrow, and you haven't started it. Well, that's not exactly how it happened, but I'm going to go into a time shift, so it doesn't matter....
The world around you changes. You don't know the reason, but you realize that life isn't about the changes that take place because of you. If you make a difference, that's all great, but there's no real reason that you need to live. Even if you discover something important like the cure for cancer or a new video game engine, no one will remember in a thousand years. All you become is a page in a history book. Granted, that history book may be powered by the force, but you can't help that. So what's life, then if it's not making a name for yourself? Enjoying life to the fullest? I don't think so. You hear the phrase "carpe diem" whereever you go (except China - you read it there on fortune cookies), but is it real? Not in my opinion. In my personal, humble, and absolutely correct opinion, life is all about the relationships you have with people. That's it. If you laugh by yourself, you're not living; life passes by. So talk to everyone around you. Let them know how much they mean to you, because life isn't as long as you think, so rejoice in the people you know while you can.....
And now for a little original (made by me) humor, for those of you that are souless and completely missed the point:
How many business majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just two - one to buy the lightbulb, and one to subsidize the bulb company, invest in millions of dollars worth of stocks, sell at the highest margin, and escape to Cuba after the company crashes...and hire a stripper to turn the bulb.
How long does it take a person with ADD to change a lightbulb?
Let's play golf.
How long does it take Chuck Norris to change a lightbulb?
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark.
How long does it take a woman to change a lightbulb?
Forever - Chuck Norris gave her a roundhouse kick to the face for being out of the kitchen.
Does Chuck Norris have a blog?
Yes - he invented a software that gives each visitor a roundhouse kick to the face.
What time does Chuck Norris come home at night?
Chuck Norris doesn't have a home - he lives in a pool of razor blades.
And I think I've sunk to the point that I don't care anymore if jokes are good-natured, so:
Has Chuck Norris ever coughed, or does he never get sick?
Chuck Norris never gets sick or coughs, but he has cleared his throat twice - once in Nagasaki and once in Hiroshima.
Good night folks, and remember to never play poker without a way to cheat. | | |
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